In this coaching example, it’s easy to see how one person’s difficult experience can be a gift to another person. The process of transferring the knowledge gained from your experience can be quite easy; especially when the coach’s direct experience mirrors the coachee’s. When you find a coach who has been through what you may be going through, there is a built-in empathy and understanding.
Facing the unknown is always challenging, but when someone has walked the path before you and shares the details, it makes everything less daunting. When a coach can break down the steps involved in getting a goal accomplished, the tasks suddenly become manageable.
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Six months had passed since Paul’s wife had left him and their seven-year-old son for her high school sweetheart. He and his son, Justin, were struggling to keep it together, but Paul was still shell-shocked. He hadn’t made an effort to file for divorce or even tell friends and co-workers what had happened.
One afternoon at Little League practice, Paul struck up a conversation with Steve, one of the player’s dads. Steve was divorced and seemed to have an excellent relationship with his young son. On an impulse, Paul asked Steve for 3Lunches divorce coaching in hopes that the other man’s experience might galvanize him to action.
At their first lunch, Paul explained his situation and found it easy to open up to Steve since they didn’t have any friends in common and worked in completely different industries.
Although Steve had been divorced for years, the experience was still fresh in his mind and he had no trouble being empathetic. He also understood that Paul was overwhelmed by the sudden loss of his wife, and his new role as a single father.
Steve coached Paul practically; he offered the contact information for his family law attorney who was both a good man and also an excellent lawyer dedicated to protecting fathers’ custodial rights, he gave Paul the name of a child psychologist for his son, and he wrote down the phone number of a support group for separated and divorced parents.
By the end of the lunch, Paul was relieved. Listening to Steve, the divorce process seemed less daunting and he had practical resources to contact to guide him through the process. Paul was ready to make the effort to create a new life for himself and his son.
A month went by before Paul and Steve met for their second lunch at a sushi bar near Steve’s office. Paul reported that he’d hired the attorney Steve suggested, and had arranged two sessions for his son with the psychologist. The therapy seemed to be helping, but Paul admitted that Justin was still quite confused.
Steve believed that Justin’s confusion and hurt was very appropriate, and went into detail about his own relationship with his son. Paul was deeply reassured by the information.
Since divorce proceedings were in progress, Steve suggested that the next goal might be to try to get more comfortable with being a divorced man and father. Steve explained that it was important to let friends and co-workers know what was going on, if only to give them a chance to be helpful. He also reiterated the importance of finding a good support group. It had made all the difference in his life.
Before they left the restaurant, Steve threw one more idea into the mix. He wondered if Paul was ready to start socializing again and meeting women. Paul said he was not ready to start dating, but he would think about it.
Two months passed before their last lunch. Paul chose a nice steak house for the occasion He felt he’d made significant progress and had Steve to thank.
When Steve arrived, he noticed a considerable change in Paul. He appeared more confident and definitely more relaxed. Paul brought Steve up-to-date on the divorce proceedings and Paul shared the news that he was petitioning for full custody of his son. Paul and Justin had been seeing the psychologist together and had made great progress. Steve was impressed. Paul then explained that he attributed his new positive outlook to the support group for divorced men he’d joined at Steve’s suggestion. Paul had been surprised to hear other men describe stories similar to his own, and he’d stopped feeling so embarrassed about his situation. Paul had also been honest with friends and colleagues and had received a tremendous amount of sympathy and support, from offers to babysit to casseroles dropped off on his doorstep.
Finally, Paul expressed his desire to start dating again. He missed being in a relationship, and felt he had a lot to offer. Steve suggested a singles mixer at the local church and a “Parents Without Partners” meeting in town.
The lunch ended with Paul thanking Steve for all his help and guidance over the past months. Steve admitted that it had been an enjoyable experience and that he wished someone had done the same for him when he was separating from his wife. Steve suggested that they arrange a play date for their boys, perhaps after baseball one afternoon, and Paul agreed. While the coaching was over, the friendship was just beginning.
