Just to make sure everyone plays nicely, we came up with a few table manners that outline good behaviour from the Coachee and the Coach.
For Coachees
1. Be Specific
When you sit down for your first lunch, identify your need. Make it specific. Don’t ask for help with a global problem. Break it down:
- I need some assistance or thinking in how to attack looking for a job. Would you mind if I picked your brain?
- I want to focus on what kind of job I should be looking for. I’ll bring my resume and maybe you could look it over and kick some ideas around with me.
- I’m having trouble communicating with my son. You seem to have an excellent relationship with your kids, would you mind having lunch and sharing your experience with me?
2. Ask nicely
Your coach is somewhere in your life. Look for him or her and then ask politely if he or she would have lunch with you. “I need some advice or coaching with this particular issue. I admire the way you (handle yourself in business, manage your family etc.) and I would so appreciate your time. Would you do 3Lunches with me? My treat, of course.” That’s the way it’s done.
3. Follow the steps.
We all have limitations. We know what we know because of the experiences we’ve had. Take the leap and learn from someone else’s experience. It may lead you to another outcome. Think of 3Lunches as taking a dance class. Just follow the steps. See where they lead. We guarantee you it will lead somewhere different than where you are right now.
4. Don’t be needy.
3Lunches doesn’t give you permission to call and email your coach day and night. It means 3Lunches. Honor the process and maintain your dignity.
3Lunches is not a forever format. It has a beginning and end. The whole point is to get you going in a new direction quickly. This is short-term interdependence. This is a finite, goal-oriented relationship. Once the 3Lunches is over, you can just go back to being friends or associates or whatever you were before. Respect the fact that the coaching will come to an end.
Don’t turn to a 3Lunches coach for a psychological issue. 3Lunches is for a thinking problem—when you can’t see any other options. When your experience has been used up and you can’t think outside of your box.
5. Lose your unrealistic expectations.
Your coach is not going to save you. Only you can do that. Your coach is
not going to hand you a job as the CEO of General Motors or Disney. Your coach is not going to give you the winning lottery numbers, pay your mortgage or revive your bad relationship.
Your coach is there to stimulate some ideas for you. The only expectation you should have from your coach is that they have lunch with you. That person across the table from you is spending their time with you and that’s the gift. That’s it. Enjoy it. If good ideas and energy are stimulated by the lunch, that’s wonderful. If nothing seems to happen, it’s probably your imagination. Something always happens when people have lunch. Just talking and listening and eating changes things.
6. Don’t be demanding.
Your coach is not there to do things for you. That means you can’t ask your coach
to make a call for you, find you a therapist, go to a therapist with you, talk to your wife or husband for you or fix you up on a date.
7. Be gracious.
Make it easy for your coach. Be polite, listen and smile a lot. Make sure to write down the suggestions your coach makes.
8. Do the work and be cooperative.
If defensiveness is your style, don’t do 3Lunches. The same goes for slackers.
This whole process is about self-sufficiency and sustainable living. It’s not for the faint of heart.
Be serious about doing the work. Pay attention, ask questions, take notes and try to get the advice formed into a task list. Then do what’s on your list.
If you’ve gathered up the courage to ask someone for help, you are obligated to follow the advice you’re given, otherwise, what’s the point? Sometimes, your coach might ask you to do something that’s difficult for you. Maybe you’re afraid of cold calling a possible business contact or ending a relationship or even looking for a relationship or going on a blind date. It’s all going to be difficult because what you’ve tried all by yourself hasn’t worked and that’s why you need some help. Your coach will inevitably ask you to do something outside of your comfort zone. Do it. The whole point is to get outside of your own thinking and create new dynamics and potential opportunities. The right coach will try to work within your strengths and parameters, but they may invite you to stretch yourself and go out on a limb. Take the risk. If your coach suggested it, it probably worked for them and they are simply sharing their experience.
9. Don’t drag your feet.
Following your coach’s advice might work, it might not, but making the effort creates energy, it propels you forward and in times of trouble you’ve got to move. Movement is action, it stirs up the molecules around you, it creates momentum, and when things are falling apart in your life you need momentum to make the changes that are needed to bring back some stability and peace and happiness. So move, think, act, do!
10. Pay for Lunch
Be humble and grateful for any single person who will sit down with you! If you can’t afford a restaurant, bring sandwiches and organize a picnic. If you’ve lost your job and you’re broke, and your coach insists on paying for lunch, it’s up to you. Just make sure you’re buying when you’re back on your feet.
11. Say thank you.
Lastly, when you’ve gone on to bigger and better things in your life and have recovered somewhat, please send a thank you note. It closes the circle. It’s gracious. It will make your coach feel wonderful.
For Coaches
1. Be positive.
Your coachee needs some energy to get their life back on track and to solve their problems. Negativity just doesn’t help.
2. Be creative.
You are being asked to think outside of the box. Here’s your chance.
3. Be specific.
“You need to change your life,” isn’t helpful. “Post your resume on Monster.com,” is.
4. Pay attention.
Listen to your coachee’s issues and attempt to offer practical solutions.
5. Engage in conversation.
Your coachee has a story to tell you. Let them. Then join in. Somewhere in the ensuing conversation you’ll get ideas for your coachee. Let it happen naturally.
6. Share your experience.
Someone has turned to you because they think you know more than they do about something. That’s great. It’s flattering. Just talk. Tell the story of what worked for you. Maybe someone is disorganized and you’re very organized. Just explain how you organize things.
7. Give homework
Every lunch should end with a list of tasks whether they are:
- call so and so;
- rewrite your resume;
- go see your pastor;
- join a gym;
- start walking fifteen minutes a day;
- buy file folders;
- or take more naps. It doesn’t matter what’s on the list as long as it’s doable.
8. Don’t do the work yourself.
The whole point of coaching is to help someone do the work for themselves. Give your suggestions and then enjoy what happens.
9. Be nice.
You’re being asked to share ideas and thoughts regarding a particular problem and your job is to help that person look at the problem differently. A lunch doesn’t give you permission to tell that person how terrible their life decisions have been. Just focus on the problem at hand and try to come up with a list of helpful suggestions.
10. Don’t gossip.
Anything your coachee shares with you is for your ears only. Be respectful and don’t share the experience with friends and family. Abide by the same rules doctors and lawyers share and keep everything you hear during your 3Lunchesas confidential.
11. Let it end.
When the 3Lunches is over, it’s over. Don’t hound your coachee and get overly
invested in their life. You did your job and now it’s done.
